I thought I just had bad relationships

A vulnerable reflection on how childhood shaped my adult relationships

Something we tend to overlook in our relationships as adults is how much our parents’ relationship shapes the way we show up in our own.

For many years, I was caught up in a really unhealthy relationship cycle. It wasn’t just one relationship, it was a pattern that kept repeating itself. And it wasn’t until I went through the most toxic relationship of my life with my daughter’s father that I finally stopped and really asked myself, why does this keep happening?

When I was quite young, my parents separated. And they were from that generation where you don’t talk about things. You don’t sit down and explain it to the kids, you don’t unpack it, you just move on and hope everyone adjusts.

So, I never really understood what actually happened between them until I was much older.

All I saw was my dad leave the family home. So, in my mind, he left me.

Even though that wasn’t the full truth, that was the story I held on to for years. There was no explanation, no reassurance, no conversation around it. He just wasn’t there in the way I needed him to be. He didn’t show up to school events, he wasn’t present, he didn’t provide financially and as a kid, I took that personally.

So I held on to a lot of anger and hurt towards him. Like I wasn’t worth staying for. Like I had been left behind and abandoned by my own father. Was I not good enough for him to stay?

And what I didn’t realise at the time was how much that one belief shaped everything that came after that.

Because that thought pattern is what impacted my entire dating cycle, leading with me doing whatever I could to keep people in my life in fear of being left again.

So, once I reached dating age, I wasn’t just dating people, I was forcing relationships to work. I was trying to mould people into who I wanted them to be. I was overlooking red flags, overcompensating, settling… and deep down, I knew it.

I knew when something didn’t feel right. I knew when I was doing too much. I knew when I was accepting behaviour I shouldn’t have been accepting. I knew when they weren’t right for me.

But there was this part of me that was convinced I needed someone in my life to validate that I was okay. That I was enough. That there was nothing wrong with me. That I wasn’t going to be abandoned again.

From 17 through to 35, I was essentially in relationships the entire time. There were very few gaps in between. But it was one relationship after another, always believing the next one would be different… always hoping this time it would work.

I met my ex-husband when I was 17, straight out of high school. And when I look back now, I know I didn’t enter that relationship with confidence knowing what I wanted. I went into it because I was needing that feeling of being chosen, of being enough, of wanting to be loved.

But that relationship was far from healthy.

It was very controlling. He controlled my finances, he controlled my friendships, he even controlled where I went and when.

I remember coming home from a four-month trip to Europe with a black eye. My mum picked me up from the airport and asked what happened… and I lied. I said I fell down the stairs.

But at the time, I justified his actions. I told myself he was stressed. That he just took it out on me in the moment.

And I accepted that.

I tolerated it.

I made excuses for behaviour that never should have been excused. I told myself that his controlling behaviour was normal. That it meant he cared for me. I put up with that for twelve years. Doing what I could to feel loved by this person.

And that’s the trap. We label control as care. We dress up toxic behaviour as love because it feels safer than admitting something isn’t right.

After that marriage ended, I didn’t stop and take timeout for me. I didn’t reflect. I just kept going. Relationship after relationship.

I kept going because I was unknowingly seeking that validation I never got.

And in doing that, I was over giving, overexplaining, overcompensating… and I didn’t even realise it.

Until eventually, I hit a breaking point.

And for me, that was my relationship with my daughter’s father. That was my rock bottom, my big wake up call.

There were so many things I tolerated. Things I normalised. Things I convinced myself I could move past.

We broke up and got back together more times than I can count. I kept holding onto apologies, thinking they meant change.

But they didn’t.

And when you’re in that cycle, you don’t just leave. You minimise it. You justify it. You hold onto the small amount of good and ignore the rest.

Until something changes everything.

For me, that moment was when a large kitchen knife was put to my chest.

That was my cue, I picked up my daughter out of her highchair and I walked straight out the door.

There were so many moments in that relationship that, at the time, I didn’t fully recognise for what they were.

Times when I hid in the wardrobe. Times when I got locked out of the house. Times when I was pushed out of a car. Times when I was left at the shops while I was pregnant as he drove off without me and I had to find my own way home. Needless to say, these were not the worst or the worse. But I still made excuses for his behaviour and did what I could to make it work.

Because I thought I could “fix him” I thought we could be happily ever after, and he could truly show me that I am worth making an effort for.

I kept telling myself it would change. That it would get better. That this time would be different.

But it never really was.

Walking out of that relationship and leaving that day was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but at the same time, it was also the easiest one.

I left not knowing what my future would look like. I left with nothing. No job. No car. No Money, anything I had to my name was sold or given up while I was in that relationship including my car, my job and my savings.

From there I was left to start again with nothing.

I moved back in with my dad because I had nowhere else to go, even though our relationship had always been up and down.

And then one day something happened that honestly broke me even more.

My daughter’s father came over to pick my daughter up one day whist I was at my dad’s… and my dad walked up to my ex and shook his hand.

That moment… is something I cannot even explain. I remember it like it was yesterday.

The man who truly broke me and destroyed me and left me with nothing…..was greeted with a handshake by the one person I was so desperately seeking validation from.

I felt so small. So worthless. In my eyes that made me feel like every horrific experience I had been through with my daughter’s father was nothing but a joke. It felt like my own father was congratulating my ex for a job well done on what he did to me.

Here I am desperately seeking recognition and validation from this man, my own father, but on the inside, it felt like I was getting kicked down even more.

Not long after that, my dad had an outburst. He told me to leave. Pack my things and he didn’t want to see me again. Even after what I had been through with my daughters’ father and having nothing to my name.

And just like that, I was back at square one again and once again feeling like I was being disowned and abandoned by my own father and by all the men that had entered my life.

From there I was left sleeping on friends’ lounges. Staying in motels. Trying to piece my life back together with just me and my daughter and my one suitcase.

Eventually, I got a rental. I was sleeping on a blow-up mattress, with a cheap TV on the floor and that was all the furniture I had.

From there, slowly, I rebuilt again.

And just like when I was a kid and felt like my dad never really showed up, that same pattern repeated later in life. When he kicked me out with my daughter, there was no message, no check-in, no “are you okay?” or “do you need anything?”, nothing. And in that moment, it just reinforced that same feeling all over again… that he still couldn’t show up for me in the way I needed as his daughter.

And when I look back now, what stands out the most isn’t what I went through, it’s the pattern.

Because everything I experienced in my relationships mirrored what I felt I needed as a child.

And I didn’t see it until I hit rock bottom and that’s when I stopped and really looked inwards.

I was just someone who wanted to be loved. To be seen. To be heard. To feel like I mattered.

And all that time I was chasing it in all the wrong places.

Now, many years later and after 12 years of being a single parent, I can honestly say I’m in a completely different place. And sadly, I have since extended multiple olive branches to my dad only to be ignored, so that relationship still to this day no longer exists.

But the difference is now, I genuinely love my life. And I’m genuinely comfortable and happy being on my own. I know my person is out there, but I’m definitely not rushing or forcing that process.

I love the peace. The freedom. The fact that I’m no longer chasing something to feel okay.

And more than that, I love now working as a coach and helping other single parents through these exact patterns. Helping them rebuild their confidence, understand their triggers, recognise their worth, and break the cycles I was once stuck in.

Because until you stop and understand your patterns, they don’t disappear. They repeat.

And it’s not about blaming yourself. It’s about understanding yourself.

So when I look back on everything, this is the part that matters most to me now.

The importance of actually stopping and reflecting on your relationship patterns and what’s happening.

Because a new partner doesn’t fix how you feel. It doesn’t heal the wound. And there’s this false belief that if you just keep dating, keep putting yourself out there, eventually it’ll make things better.

It doesn’t.

It just deepens the hurt that’s already there.

The most powerful thing you can take from any experience in your life isn’t the outcome, it’s the understanding and what you learn from it.

Understanding yourself.

Understanding why you behave the way you do.

Why you react the way you do.

Why certain things trigger you more than others.

And most importantly… understanding what it is that you actually need.

Because when you understand that, you stop looking for someone else to fill the gap, you stop trying to force things that aren’t right, you stop settling for less than what you deserve.

And you start showing up in a way that feels truly aligned with who you actually are.

What I’ve come to realise through all of this is that in all the relationships I was in, I was constantly craving the attention, recognition, and validation I never received as a child from my own father. And with every man that came into my life, I was trying to get that from them.

Now I understand that’s not how it works. That validation doesn’t come from someone else, it comes from yourself. I had to learn to believe in myself, to build that confidence within myself, instead of searching for it in other people.

And at the end of the day, we all want the same core things in life. We want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to feel validated. We want to feel loved.

But when you’re carrying a lot of wounds, trying to get those needs met can become a much harder process than it needs to be.

Because quite often, you end up looking for it in the wrong places, from the wrong people, or in situations where it was never really available to begin with. And then you wonder why you still feel empty, even when you’re trying so hard.

When you start to build belief in yourself again, you stop outsourcing your worth.

You stop chasing validation in places that can’t give it to you.

And you start recognising what healthy connection actually looks like, and more importantly, what it feels like when it’s right.

You learn how to look in the right places, with the right boundaries, and from a place that’s no longer rooted in fear… but in self-trust.

When you stop looking outside of yourself for approval, for reassurance, for someone else to tell you you’re enough… and you start to look inwards that’s when you start to rebuild something far more solid.

You start to rebuild you.

And what so many people don’t realise is that our relationship patterns are shaped by what we experienced growing up, and now, as parents, we’re shaping that for our own kids, so unless we actually stop, reflect, and recognise what’s playing out, the cycle just continues, but it can change, and it starts with you choosing to see it, own it, and deciding that you want something better, not just for you, but for your kids too.

Leanne

Life After Plus One

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